you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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