I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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