Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Randomize
