she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
