I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Still dying that you shit outside
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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