Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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