the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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