I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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