There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
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