i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
