Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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