proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I think I just sharted jello shots
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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