I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
