just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
