I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
