Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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