I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Randomize
