I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Randomize
