what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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