I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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