I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
