This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
