someone threw a dead crab at me
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
