haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
