I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
