That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
She needs sedatives and a leash
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
