Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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