I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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