You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
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