My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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