im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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