I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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