I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
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