i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Randomize
