Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
