DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
