I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
