i may or may not be watching the land before time
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You took a bar mat shot.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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