theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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