I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
