my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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