I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
