Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
