Life is so much better after having sex.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
