well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
