She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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