A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
