There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
