wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Randomize
