Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
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