im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
