history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
