and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
