Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i think i have two assholes
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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