i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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