life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
