I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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